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24/7 BDSM relationship - A relationship in which protocols are in place continuously.

Age play - Usually referring to daddy/daughter or mommy/baby role play. Does not usually include or imply aspects of incest, but rather the nurturing relationship of parent/child or teacher/student.

Anal torture - The BDSM practice of inflicting pain on the anus.

Auctioning off - Dominant auctions off the slave to the highest bidder (usually supervised and for temporary use).

BBW – Fetish for Big Beautiful Women.

Black sheet parties - An orgy for people into BDSM sex.

Bondage - Acts involving the physical restraint of the Submissive. Bondage typically refers to total restraint, however it can be limited to a particular body part, such as breast bondage.

Breast bondage and torture - The act of tying breasts so that they are either flattened against the chest or so that they bulge and inflicting pain on them.

Breath control - The Dominant controls the Submissive's breathing.

Chasity, teasing and denial - Keeping the Submissive aroused while delaying or preventing resolution of the feelings, and to keep them in a continual state of anticipatory tension and inner conflict. Also, a form of erotic sexual denial or orgasm denial whereby Submissive is prevented from access to their genitals.

Cross dressing - Wearing clothing typical of the opposite sex.

Electro play - The practice of using electrical stimulation to the nerves of the body using a power source (such as a TENS, EMS, Violet wand, or made-for-play units) for purposes of sexual stimulation, body modification, tickling, or torture.

Figging - The practice of inserting a piece of ginger root into the anus or vagina.

Fisting - Inserting a hand into the vagina or rectum.

Foot fetish – The attraction to seeing, touching, being around feet.

Genitals torture - Torture of the genitals.

Gun play - The practice of including actual (or simulated) firearms into a scene.

Human sushi platters – Serving sushi on a naked body.

Impact play - Part of sensation play, dealing with impact such as whips, riding crops, paddles, floggers, etc.

Infantilism - Parent/child or parent/baby role playing.

Ink fetish – Fetish for tattoos.

Knife play - Slow, methodical sensation of the bottom with the edges and points of knives, usually without hurting the Submissive.

Mummification - Immobilising the body by wrapping it up, usually with multiple layers of tight thin plastic sheeting. Breathing and other safety measures must be appropriately taken care of, often by leaving the face (or at least the mouth and nose) open. Mummification is often used to enhance a feeling of total bodily helplessness.

Piercing fetish– Fetish for pierced bodies.

Ponygirl or Ponyboy play - Sub is dressed in a pony outfit, with mouth piece and anal plug with a tail. They are told to prance or behave like a pony.

Rape fantasy - The pleasurable fantasy of inflicting or being a victim to an act of consensual play-rape.

Role play - It may involve two or more people who act out roles in a sexual fantasy and may be a form of foreplay and be sexually arousing.

Rubber/Latex/Leather fetish - Attraction to people wearing latex, rubber or leather clothing.

Shoe fetish - The attribution of attractive sexual qualities to shoes or other footwear.

Spanking – Self-explanatory ;)

Voyeurism or Exhibitionism - The sexual interest in or practice of spying on people engaged in intimate behaviors.

Water fetish -  Form of sexual fetishism that involves images of Submissive swimming or posing underwater, and sexual activity in or under water.


Julia Sep 6 '16 · Tags: bdsm, julia blog, kinks

Here are some tips on how to create a successful Not So Vanilla dating profile.


Talk about you explicitly, because who you are is more important than what you are looking for. Be positive and enthusiastic. State what things you do want and do like, try to avoid stating anything in the negative such as what you don't want and don't like (unless it's an absolutely deal breaker i.e. smoking). Highlight your best features but don't over or under exaggerate. Be authentic, don't misrepresent yourself in any way.



Be straightforward and specific with what you are seeking. If you are looking for a long term, monogamist relationship then say it.  If you are bisexual, make sure you express that too. The more honest you are in the stats area the easier it will be for you to accurately match with potential dates. BDSM world can seem a little complicated at times, especially if you are new to it. If you are unsure of any of our listed kinks, please go to my other blog post - "WHAT, WHERE AND HOW - our User Profile kinks explained".



Understanding the nature of NSV, you may be tempted to make your username something that shows a sexual competence or a physical feature you are particularly proud of (ahem...!). Please don’t. If you are looking for a successful and fulfilling SM relationship, then you don’t want the first impression of you to be purely sex based. Please don’t use your real name either unless it is a very common one. The right time to reveal more private details will come - for now, try to stay somewhat anonymous. 



It seems like it should go without saying but let’s face it – we have all seen it. You need a right balance between what to keep private and what to reveal to attract the right kind of person.

What you should never put on your dating profile:

Your real name, address or email address (while we do ask for these when creating your profile, it is only for identification purposes.  They will never be disclosed to other members).

Your kid’s names and ages, as well as what schools they attend. (Yup. That also happens!)

Anything specific about your place of work.

Names or personal details of your family, friends or acquaintances.



Make it a good one, as it is the first thing your potential dates will be looking at. Please remember, NSV does not allow explicit photos as our users’ profile pictures so keep it classy. What you share with chosen users, is completely up to you. But – as with anything that goes online – please use your common sense. Use a recent full body shot – you don’t want others to be suspicious of you and your appearance. Confidence and honesty about who you, are always in! Remember that putting too much distance between you and the camera, defeats the point of why you are posting it. Get up close and let people see what you look like.

Don’t include photos that clearly contradict your profile. If you describe yourself as “athletic and toned” and you post photos with a few extra layers (of love), that probably isn’t helping your cause. Different body types are beautiful and people are fine with dating folks of varying shapes and sizes – there is no need to be ashamed of your body (EVER)!

If you absolutely must, post a group photo – make sure that you have permission from others to post it and that your potential dates can see clearly which one you are.

Last but not least, make sure photos you upload are of a good quality. Pictures that are fuzzy, too dark or tiny in size will not get you far.

Anything I might have missed?

Yours truly,



Julia Sep 5 '16 · Tags: bdsm, julia blog, tips

What is BDSM and what do each letter means?

B&D (Bondage and Discipline), D&S (Dominance and Submission), and S&M (Sadism and Masochism). Regardless of its origin, BDSM is used as a catch-all phrase to include a wide range of activities, forms of interpersonal relationships, and distinct subcultures.


What do ‘submissive’ and ‘dominant’ behaviour mean?

A submissive person is one who submits of their own free will and seeks to submit to another. This can be in the context of play times within a set scene, totally immersed within a power exchange relationship or anywhere in between. A dominant person enjoys being with a submissive person, either just during a scene or as a way of life. Reasons for this include a desire for personal power; being the object of devotion; having the resources and abilities of another human at their disposal; sadism.


Is BDSM abuse?

If BDSM is conducted with informed consent, then it is not abuse. Abuse has everything to do with consent, and nothing to do with whether or not hitting is involved.

Abuse specifically does not take the feelings of the other person into account, nor their personal betterment or growth, which are often themes strongly rooted in many BDSM relationships. Abuse specifically is intended to do harm to an individual, BDSM is intended for personal enjoyment of all parties involved.


I am into BDSM - how do I get my partner to do what I want?

You don’t. You can’t just make someone like the same fetishes or even be comfortable with the slightest reference to bondage. You can, however, use open communication to help them understand why you think that BDSM is important and/or can help better your relationship. If you are shy or slightly embarrassed about your fetishes, try bringing it up slowly during foreplay or discussion with your partner. Discussing your desires is a great way to make sure you and your partner have a healthy and satisfying sex life.


What is ‘consent’?

Consent, in the realm of BDSM, is an informed and revocable permission for something to happen. Revocable means that consent can be withdrawn, by any party, at any time during the activity. Consent can only legally be given between adults of the age of consent or greater in your area.

When an activity takes place with the consent of all participants, the activity is said to be consensual.

According to the NCSF, "Consent is... [sic] an informed, voluntary agreement by two or more people to engage in a particular BDSM activity or to enter into a BDSM.


What is a ‘safeword’?

A safeword is a code word/action or series of code words/actions that are sometimes used in BDSM activities to mean that a bottom or submissive is reaching a limit or to signal that they are in distress and the Top/Dom must stop the scene. Safewords are agreed on by all participants before playing a scene as a part of negotiations


What is a ‘scene’?

A scene is a BDSM activity or encounter involving one or more people; it may or may not involve sexual activity.


What are other general BDSM terms?

Master -  someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a Submissive.

Slave - someone into D&S who has a specific relationship with a Dominant.

These terms are used in a great variety of conflicting ways. They might be used by one couple when doing a one off role playing scene, based on historical slavery.  Another couple may define their whole relationship on that basis, using welded collars, powers of attorney and a 24/7 no safeword agreement to make it as permanent as possible.

 Top - someone who is a controller and/or dominant

Bottom - someone who is a controlee and/or submissive

These used to have slightly different meanings in the gay community.  In this context they are just generic terms that do not imply whether the player is heavily into D&S or not.


What are common misconceptions about BDSM?

BDSM is about physical pain – Kinky preferences are highly variable and not all forms induce pain. Although pain can be involved, it is in a sexual nature. Pain is experienced in the context of love, trust, and arousal.

BDSM activities inevitably escalate to extremes and/or become addictive – Often there is "making up for lost time" phenomenon with some individuals who are late in coming out. However, this high level of activity usually levels off, though this level may be "occasional" for some and "24 / 7" for others.

BDSM is self-destructive – this is simply inaccurate and not supported by any evidence. Self-destructive behaviours are experienced no more frequently by BDSM practitioners than the general public. On that note, anything pleasurable is subject to abuse and BDSM is no exception.

BDSM is an avoidance of intimacy – BDSM is no more or less prone to intimacy amplification or aversion than more standard sexual practices.

BDSM is inherently safe and anyone can do it - BDSM always involves some level of mitigated risk and can in some cases reasonably lead to accident, injury, hurt feelings, and otherwise uncomfortable scenarios making excellent communication, a willingness to take personal responsibility for one's choices, crisis management skills, and a strong and healthy understanding of consent paramount in all BDSM interactions.


Is BDSM exactly what I see in porn?

Pornographic materials show little more than women being used in various unoriginal ways for men's enjoyment, often by force. The reality is that there are at least as many, and perhaps more, male submissives than female submissives; and that BDSM is a mutual activity that is driven as much by the needs of the submissive than by the needs of the dominant.


What does it take to be a real dominant or submissive, master or slave etc?

There is no official qualification than one simply saying that they are and deciding that is how they orient themselves unless one decides to subscribe to a path of Role essentialism.


What should be a red flag in regards to a Dominant?

Moving too quickly for your comfort zone

Inappropriate attitudes, comments or questions that make you uncomfortable

Repeated reported safety violations or unwillingness to follow certain safety guidelines

A lack of communication or many frequent inconsistencies in communications

Consistently speaking ill of previous partners


Julia Sep 1 '16 · Tags: bdsm, julia blog, blog, faq

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